One of my greatest parenting goals is to raise emotionally intelligent kids.
I was lucky to have been raised by a mom who really emphasized emotional intelligence and as I've grown into an adult, I've been struck by how rare a skill it really is. And as the mom of 2 boys, it's especially important to me to break the curse of emotional unavailability that so many men have been shackled with by raising emotionally literate boys.
While emotional intelligence is an ever-evolving skill, there are many things we can do in the toddler years to help our children develop their own emotional awareness.
what is emotional intelligence?
Emotional intelligence (EI) refers to the ability to recognize, understand, and manage one's own emotions, as well as the emotions of others. It is the capacity to be aware of, control, and express one's emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships.
EI is often divided into four domains: self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, and social skills.
- Self-awareness: The ability to recognize and understand one's own emotions and how they affect behavior.
- Self-regulation: The ability to control or redirect disruptive impulses and moods, and the propensity to think before acting.
- Motivation: A passion to work for reasons that go beyond money or status and a propensity to pursue goals with energy and persistence.
- Social skills: The ability to understand the emotions, needs, and perspectives of other people, and to use this understanding to improve the quality of relationships.
Emotional intelligence is considered an important factor in personal and professional success, and it can be developed and improved through training and practice. However, it's important to remember that emotional development is a gradual process and it may take different time for each child. Also, emotional development is closely related to cognitive, physical and language development, which can happen on different timelines for different kids. Our job as parents & caretakers is to provide a nurturing and safe environment throughout childhood that support all aspects of emotional development.
why is emotional intelligence important for adults?
Emotional intelligence (EI) is considered important for adults because it can have a significant impact on their personal and professional lives.
- Personal relationships: EI can help individuals build and maintain healthy relationships, by understanding and managing their own emotions and those of others. People with high EI are typically more empathetic and better able to communicate with others, which can lead to more positive and fulfilling relationships.
- Professional development: EI is important in the workplace because it can affect an individual's ability to lead, work in teams, and handle stress and difficult situations. People with high EI are often able to manage conflicts and motivate others, making them effective leaders and team members.
- Mental and physical health: EI can also play a role in promoting good mental and physical health. People with high EI are better able to regulate their emotions, which can lead to lower levels of stress and improved well-being.
- Adaptability and Resilience: EI can help individuals to be more adaptable and resilient in the face of change and adversity. By being able to understand and manage their own emotions, they can better navigate through difficult situations and make better decisions.
In short, emotional intelligence is important for adults because it can help individuals to build and maintain positive relationships, achieve personal and professional success, and promote sound mental and physical health.
how do toddlers develop emotionally?
Toddlers are in the process of developing their emotional skills and understanding. Emotional development in toddlers is a gradual process that happens in stages.
- Recognizing emotions: Toddlers begin to recognize and understand basic emotions such as happy, sad, angry, and afraid. They start to show emotions themselves and also to recognize them in others.
- Expressing emotions: As toddlers develop, they become better at expressing their emotions through words and actions. They begin to use words to express themselves and to label their emotions.
- Regulating emotions: Toddlers are still learning how to regulate their emotions. They have a hard time controlling their impulses, and may have tantrums or meltdowns. As they develop, they learn to take deep breaths, count to 10, or use other strategies to calm themselves down.
- Empathy: Around age 2, toddlers start to understand that other people have feelings too, and begin to show empathy. They may comfort someone who is sad or offer a toy to a friend who is upset.
- Self-awareness: Toddlers start to develop a sense of self and begin to understand the relationship between their own actions and the emotions they experience.
- Social interaction: Toddlers start to understand how their actions affect others and learn to navigate social interactions. They start to develop social skills such as sharing, taking turns, and following rules.
One of my favorite ways to incorporate many of these strategies is by sharing songs with lyrics that support emotional intelligence. You can find many in my own albums, but I've also created an Emotional Intelligence for Toddlers Spotify playlist if you want to explore other artists as well!
how do I help my toddler develop emotional intelligence?
Developing emotional intelligence (EI) in toddlers can be a challenging task, but it is an important aspect of helping them develop healthy relationships and a strong sense of self. Here are some ways to develop EI in toddlers:
- Label and discuss emotions: Teaching toddlers to identify and label different emotions can help them understand and manage their feelings. Use simple language and terms they can understand, such as "I'm feeling happy" or "I'm feeling sad." This is why I write so many songs about feelings!
- Encourage expression: Encourage toddlers to express their emotions in a healthy way. This can be through talking, drawing, writing, or playing.
- Emotion coaching: Teach toddlers different strategies for managing their emotions. For example, you can teach them deep breathing exercises or the "calm-down" technique, which involves taking slow, deep breaths and counting to 10 when they are feeling upset.
- Encourage empathy: Help toddlers understand the feelings of others by talking about emotions and sharing stories or books that show characters experiencing different emotions.
- Playtime: Playtime is a great opportunity for toddlers to express and regulate their emotions. Encourage them to act out different scenarios or use toys to help them understand and process their feelings.
- Modeling: Children learn by observing the behavior of the adults around them. By managing your own emotions in a healthy way and showing empathy and understanding towards others, you can teach your toddler how to do the same.
- Encourage positive behavior: Reinforce positive behaviors when toddlers use appropriate words to express their feelings, take turns, and share with others.
- Provide a safe and supportive environment: Creating a safe and supportive environment where children feel heard and respected can also help them to develop their emotional intelligence.
If you have trouble starting conversations around emotional awareness, I created my BIG FEELINGS audiobook just for you! Using simple language, I walk kids through 5 common emotions and share songs that support each feeling. It also comes with a Resource Guide for Grownups with additional tips and mindful parenting strategies as well as coloring pages to keep fidgety kids occupied as they listen.
It's important to remember that EI is a skill that takes time to develop. Be patient with your toddler and yourself as you work on these strategies together. It's also important to tailor your approach to your child's individual needs and provide guidance and support that is appropriate to their age and development level.