My mom modeled gentle parenting techniques long before there was a word for it. I feel so lucky to have had the opportunity to see the positive impacts that her parenting style had on me as a person and to have had the opportunity to see gentle parenting in action.
Because I think one of the biggest barriers in becoming a gentle parent is not knowing what it actually looks like in practice.
But as I've gotten further into my parenting journey, I've felt increasingly left out of the gentle parenting conversation. In case you're new to this world, let's start with the basics.
What is gentle parenting?
Gentle parenting is a parenting approach that is centered on building a strong, nurturing relationship with your child and using positive discipline techniques rather than punishment.
It's based on the belief that children are inherently good and capable of learning positive behaviors through nurturing and guidance, rather than fear and punishment.
Gentle parenting is focused on the importance of understanding and meeting the emotional needs of your child through the use of empathy, respectful communication, and trust.
Gentle parenting approaches often involve:
- Setting limits and boundaries while being understanding and flexible
- Modeling positive behaviors and using positive reinforcement to praise
- Teaching children how to use non-violent communication to express their needs and emotions
- Communicating with the goal to understand your child's perspective and helping them to find solutions to problems rather than doing everything for them
- Avoiding physical punishment or harsh consequences and favoring positive reinforcement
- Recognizing where children are at developmentally and empowering them with a sense of control over their environment and decisions whenever possible
Gentle parenting aims to create a supportive and loving environment where children feel valued, respected, and able to learn and grow in a way that is developmentally appropriate.
Gentle parenting never felt quite right for me
One thing that has always bothered me about a lot of the gentle parenting influencers/advice out there is it feels very judgmental. There's a lot of shaming if you choose to do things differently.
Breastfeeding through toddlerhood is the only way your child will form secure attachments!
Letting your child cry it out will give them an abandonment complex!
Time outs are the equivalent of putting your kids in prison!
Sheesh y'all, let's back up for a second. We're all just doing our best! And guess what? We're all gonna fuck our kids up in some way or another no matter what we do.
I'm coming to prefer the term "mindful parenting"
My kids came early and I wasn't able to breastfeed, so I pumped for 6 months before I simply couldn't take it anymore and we switched to formula exclusively (they're 2.5 now and are doing just fine!).
We use time outs with my kids (they actually ask for it when they're super activated and know they need a break!).
We let them cry it out sometimes when they were little (because we knew the difference between a complaining cry and an oh shit I need help cry. Always respond to the latter!).
So I've always felt a little left out by the gentle parenting label and the absolutist approach that I think it engenders. It never quite fit what I'm trying to do.
My goal is to be mindful that my kids are human and deserve to be treated with respect. They have opinions, thoughts, and should be given the opportunity to understand why we ask them to do things a certain way (and if I don't have a good reason then I usually let it slide).
I'm also committed to recognizing that I'm human and that I bring my own baggage to my parenting style. I seek to be mindful of the fact that often when I'm upset with my kids, feeling at the end of my rope, on the verge of yelling...it's because I'm activated and they're just acting out in ways that are completely developmentally appropriate.
No one warns you about just how much inner work parenting requires!
Mindful parenting feels like an approach that leaves room for mistakes. That builds off the framework of gentle parenting, but gives us grace to lean in and out as we're able. That recognizes this is all really hard, we're all gonna mess up sometimes, and all we can do is the best we can do.
So how does music fit into my mindful parenting approach?
My songs are meant to help you build shared language with your kids that make it easier for you to communicate clearly and respectfully. I want to give you the tools to build stronger bonds with your kids and while helping toddlers develop emotional resilience and regulation skills.
I still think about Raffi's Brush Your Teeth song every night when I use my toothbrush. Songs have a way of making concepts sticky and help to reinforce the lessons that you're teaching them.
At the same time, I strive to model how I talk to my own kids through my videos to give you some ideas for how you can speak to your children in ways that are respectful and empowering.
I hope that the lessons in my songs help your family develop a shared vocabulary and support you in being the kind of parent you want to be!