One of my biggest parenting goals is to raise emotionally resilient kids. We all face hardships and setbacks in life so the greatest gift I can give my boys is the ability to handle them with grace.
When teaching emotional regulation skills, it's important to introduce them before you need them. Kids' brains literally cannot process new information when they're in the middle of a tantrum so trying to teach them how to do a deep breathing technique during a meltdown is not gonna fly.
Songs are a great way to introduce emotional regulation techniques outside of the heat of the moment so that they have a toolbox of skills they can draw from when they need them: that's why I have a whole playlist for songs about emotional regulation!
Does this mean my kids never throw tantrums? No way! But I have witnessed them calm themselves quickly using deep breaths and I've seen them avoid making a bad decision because they remembered to use their gentle hands so I know that laying the groundwork in advance can truly work.
Here are some tips for how to teach your kids emotional regulation skills.
Tips for Teaching Toddlers Emotional Regulation Skills
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Model emotional regulation yourself: This one is SO IMPORTANT! Kids learn by example and they don't know how to do something that they've never seen before. Instead of trying to hide your own negative emotions from your kids, show them what you do to calm yourself and narrate the process. "I'm feeling frustrated right now so I'm going to take 3 deep breaths so that I don't start yelling." I'm overwhelmed and I need some space so I'm going to take a break for 5 minutes." My videos can also help model what emotional regulation looks like and equip kids with skills & strategies they can use in the moment.
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Use emotion coaching: Toddlers feel allllll the feelings, but they don't understand them yet. Emotion coaching is a way of helping kids understand and manage their emotions by validating their feelings, naming their emotions, and finding words to express exactly what they're experiencing. Introducing an emotions chart can help guide the conversation.
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Teach relaxation techniques: Some of the relaxation techniques I like to use with my toddlers are deep breathing, dragon breathing, sense activation (name something you see, something you smell, something you feel, something you hear...), and progressive muscle relaxation.
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Encourage physical activity: Personal experience has taught me that a physically exhausted child is less likely to be a tantrum-y child. The days we have to rely on a lot of screentime also tend to involve the biggest emotions & meltdowns. I know it's not always easy to accommodate, but toddlers do best when they're encouraged to run run run around.
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Help kids problem-solve: This one doesn't necessarily help in the moment, but can definitely prevent meltdowns due to frustration. I always try to leave my kids to solve problems on their own until they actively ask for help. When they do, I try my best not to solve it for them, but rather ask them questions to guide their thinking. "What do you think would happen if you tried this?" "Do you think this approach might work? Let's try it!" Equipping toddlers with problem solving skills can help them feel more in control (which is the source of 98% of power struggles) and less overwhelmed when something doesn't go their way.
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Set limits and boundaries: While it's not always easy, setting limits and boundaries with your toddlers will them feel more secure and better able to manage their emotions in the long-run. Toddlers are boundary-pushers, it's just what they're wired to do. But they also rely on the safety of knowing that there are limits to what they can get away with. Being consistent, clear, and communicative about your expectations will help a lot. We've used the phrase, "Make good decisions!" since the boys were really little and it's been a helpful catchphrase when they're on the verge of pushing a boundary too far.
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Use positive reinforcement: Always always always try to acknowledge when your toddler acts in the way that you want them to! It's so easy to get caught in the trap of only correcting unwanted behavior without acknowledging when they do something right. If you're constantly criticized and doing the right thing never comes with any benefits, would you want to do the right thing? No! Praise them when they make good decisions, listen well, use their manners. They don't know what's right until you teach them and positive reinforcement goes a long way in helping them understand what they should do as much as what they shouldn't do.
So how can I use songs help kids learn emotional regulation techniques?
While parental modeling is extremely important, sometimes you need someone else to help you reinforce the lessons that you're teaching at home. That's why I've created a playlist of videos to help you teach emotional regulation skills to toddlers: I hope these lessons are helpful in helping your toddlers build emotional resilience!